Trying to be strong and brave when all you want to do is cry...

I survived yesterday! There were a couple of times throughout the day when I didn't think I would. But I did. And for this I am grateful.

On my way to work I mentioned three things to the girl who I carpool with that I hoped I wouldn't have to do on my first day on my own: take down dialysis, give blood, and have to transfer patients to procedures. These things tend to make your day more chaotic and are difficult to plan your day around.

I had to do all three things. And oh so much more.

But I did it. And I think I did okay :)

On top of medication pushing, blood giving, port needles popping out and having to re-access them, patient transporting, discharging, lab drawing, assessing, and taking down dialysis, I had an experience that will forever remain with me.

One of my patients was in for decreased blood counts. The patient's parents thought it was viral. They thought she would receive medicine and go home. They were to meet with the doctor in the afternoon for the doctor to tell them officially what was going on. They were calm. After all, how bad could a virus be?

I was approached by the doctor right before she was to meet with the parents. My heart sunk and my stomach dropped, knotted, and ached as she told me what she was about to tell the parents.

At three o'clock we all gathered in a conference room: myself, two outpatient nurses, two doctors, and the parents. "Your child has acute lymphoblastic leukemia, your child has cancer." At three o'clock this family's life changed forever. Forever.

I'm pretty sure that is all the parents heard out of the hour long conference. I know the doctors explained the treatment plan and course of the disease, but my mind was focused otherwise. My heart ached as this loving mother sat and cried, and cried, and cried. My eyes filled with tears as I watched the parents and listened to them ask questions. But I was supposed to be the strong and brave one. How can you be strong and brave when all you want to do is cry?

The rest of the day I did my best to stay close by for this family, offering drinks, tissues, snacks, hugs, and whatever else they might need. As phone calls were made and more family arrived to the hospital, I heard the were "cancer" over and over. And ever time it was said, they could barely say it because the tears were too strong and their voices cracked.

"C a n c e r..."

I've worked on the pediatric oncology floor for almost a year now. You'd think I'd be used to this kind of stuff. Perhaps it was my new role as a nurse, or perhaps it was because it was the first time I had participated in a situation where a family hears the diagnosis for the first time. Or perhaps it's because cancer is something that you can never get used to. Whatever it was, it hit me hard.

Today I am grateful for so many things. I am grateful for yesterday and the experiences that changed me and the lessons I learned. I am grateful for my health, for my family's health. I am grateful to be alive.

Eric gave me a very sincere, moving blessing before yesterday. I survived yesterday because of this blessing and because of my prayers and the prayers of my family. And because of this, my heart is full.